I LOVE MY BODY - Honesty or Hypocrisy?

I have spent the last half of 2022 being unhappy with my body and feeling sorry for myself. It started with little things such as; “oh my neck is too dark, but that’s okay”, “my belly is too flabby, but that’s okay since I just gave birth”. But 4 months down the line, I found myself saying things like; “so ugly!”, “too fat!”, “hate my body, nothings fits!”. 

I still cannot believe how harsh I was to myself. I still don’t understand how I, an advocate for; “Your body is beautiful regardless of size and shape”, could dislike my appearance so much! Thinking about it now, I am actually glad I got to experience it, because I now understand that it truly, and I mean truly, is easier said than done!

I have spent the better part of the last three years promoting body positivity on my instagram page; @ruqayyastudios. I realised that there weren’t many digital fashion artists and designers encouraging women of different sizes to love their bodies while wearing what suits them and making modifications to styles they love to suit their bodies; so, I included a wide variety of women into my illustrations and continued to encourage women as much as I could. But I in no way actually knew what it felt like to look in the mirror and not like what I saw! I mean, I’ve always been tall and slim and thick in all the right areas; so, I guess it was very easy to tell other women to love their bodies, flaws and all, cause I already loved mine the way it was.

Before Pregnancy 

My initial weight before pregnancy and child birth was 65kg. This is normal for my height and the fact that I am an active person. Then came pregnancy, and gradually, my weight took an interesting turn. It wasn’t all bad in the beginning, till I hit 85kg, and I was still 7 months into the pregnancy. From eating mangoes, meat, and all grades of proteins at night, I’m still surprised I didn’t weigh up to 100kg, because my heaviest weight was 92kg! 

Basically, I gained a total of 27kg in just a few months!

Of course, after giving birth, I shed a good chunk of that excess weight, but it didn’t do much for my appearance. Even worse, I was being fed with heavy meals and high calorie drinks, because I was “feeding for two”. Shoutout to our African mothers. 

By the time I started feeling strong enough to work on my weight, my newborn seemed to take up most of my time. Still, I was able to get a bit of movement in whenever I could, even as I was unable to remain consistent. Time felt like it was moving so slow and so fast at the same time, leading me to settle into the idea of having a “new mum body”. 

When my weight was down to 75kg, no matter what I did, I just did not see any change. This was when the reality of the fact that my body will never go back to how it was dawned on me, and it was hard! Unless I was going to get a tummy tuck surgery, where would all the flabby, loose, hanging, and annoying excess skin that stretched out during pregnancy go to? Even if all the fat disappeared, would the skin go back to being firm and youthful before childbirth? Will the color of the skin go back to how it originally was? Oh, and let’s not even talk about the boobs that seem to be looking at my feet after months of breastfeeding! 

Indeed, it took a whole 9 months for my body to morph into this size, so it would take a while to get back to normal. I was very much aware of that. Still, why did my appearance bother me so much?

Why…..?

Basically, after all these years of telling other women to love their bodies, “flaws and all” , why wasn’t I in love with mine, “flaws and all”? 

         TO BE CONTINUED…..